• What do you wish to see happen during the last month of 2008?
  • Right now I am failing physics. At 1:35 I was going upstairs with my best guy friend Jake (who I mentioned in my last blog) and my friend Breanna was coming down with another girl. They both told me right away my senior privelages were taken away because of Mrs. Keopke. I was like, "What the heck? My dad's outside!" So I had to quick run out to my dad and beg him to call the office and he said, "No, you got yourself into it. Get yourself out." I slammed his door, tears streaming down my face, and walked to study hall. I was so ashamed because I'd failed two physics tests and couldn't understand the extra credit. And then I had to explain that to the principal (who was confused as to why I didn't have my senior privelages) and to my study hall teacher (and the entire study hall). It was so embarrassing, because the people in my class and the teachers all kind of look at me like I'm just this bank of knowledge and now everyone in my class knows I can't keep my grades up. It was just so embarrassing to hear everyone saying, "Amanda! Amanda, you don't have senior privelages! You're a loser!" It was terrible. My wish for this last month of 2008 is to get that grade up and to never let it fall again. I try so hard in physics, but it seems almost impossible for me to do anything about it. I was thinking on the way home how I strive so hard to keep physics up and how I'm working so hard to get into college and I was like, "I don't even want to go to college and I hate physics. Why am I doing this? Because it's the right thing to do. But not for me." But I'm doing it, because it's what people expect. Before today I never thought I lived my life for others, but now I see that I do. People expect me to be a straight A student, but I can't do science or math to save my life, people expect me to go to college, but I cringe at the thought of it, and people expect me to always have a smile on my face and take it in stride, when I was in tears at having lost my senior privelages because of a test I couldn't get. I felt so silly. I want to keep my grades up, I honestly truly do, but not at the cost of who I am. I hate physics, hate it, and I despise the idea of college, but what can you do without it? There's nothing for me without college. Without it I'll end up just like my siblings and I don't want to be living in a motel with some crack dealer next door always shouting at his girlfriend because she doesn't have the right clothes. Sick.
• How do I plan to wrap up the year in preparation for the next?
  • Next fall, I will be heading off to college (woohoo) and I must prepare for it. I will finish up this year working very hard on my physics, doing three English papers, working harder in government, and will kiss personal finance and my teacher's aide good bye for AP English and computer animation. Next year I've got a handful of things coming up including my graduation and beginning college. I need to be prepared. I need to fill out more scholarships, look into the FAFSA, and get the ball rolling on all of the things that will gear me towards the "right" path, no matter how much I wish I could back away from that and still live a good life. It seems, though, that despite my best efforts to walk in Jack London's footsteps it's not happening. I must finish school and finish college and be a person people can look to and nod and say, "That's how I thought she'd end up." My problem is disappointing people so I will work harder on schoolwork and try not to let anyone down. Only myself will be let down.
    

I believe strongly in karma. I try to do all of the right things all the time (sometimes that doesn't work out), so I don't get whopped with seven times what I did.

My brother had a girlfriend that he was verbally and physically abusive to and he was also this way with me and one of my friends. He was driving me and my friend to her house after school (and after he'd just punched me in front of half the high school) and I told him that Haley (his girlfriend) would break up with him and he would go to jail and the army would discharge him (he's MP). Lo and behold, it all happened. A month later he was caught stealing money from his best friend's dad and he went to jail for four months and now owes nine thousand dollars to the man. His girlfriend broke up with him, he got fired, he almost had his head taken off by a barbed wire fence, he went to jail, the army is still considering discharging him, his newest ex-girlfriend just stole three hundred dollars from him, and his car broke down. Well, either my brother has all of the bad luck that the world can possibly bestow upon someone or karma truly does exist and it's kicking him in the rear. I hope you'll notice that his reprocussions were seven things. Weird, isn't it?

But I also do believe that horrible things happen to extremely good people. My cousin Justin was in the United States Marine Corps. and worked very hard to make sure other countries were doing good. He was also a policeman for four years and started up his own security business about five months before this last August. He had two beautiful children, Alayna and Corbin, and was married to my cousin Samantha. The terrible thing is that he had battled four different types of cancer in his life. Despite the good he did and still wanted to do (he wanted to join the Marines again and go to Iraq), he was diagnosed with cancer of the blood last year. He fought so hard. His cancer warped in June and turned into a type of cancer the doctors had never seen before and he was incurable. Justin passed away on August 2, 2008 and it was an extremely hard thing for my family. He was such a wonderful source of light for all of us and to have him go was so difficult. I myself am still suffering (as are the rest of the family) and I'm very angry about it. For a month after he passed I was so uncontrollably angry with everything, no matter how big or small, that it was extremely difficult for me to do anything. It just so happened that a concert at Lifelight Festival turned that around and God has managed to help me sifle through my anger. While it's still there and I still hurt every day that Justin's gone, it's also a little bit better.

My friend Hunter is eighteen years old. Three days before his eighteenth birthday he was diangosed with osteosarcoma (bone cancer). He has had his left leg amputated and has had numerous surgeries on his lungs, legs, and brain. He was in surgery on the morning on his birthday and missed the call from my class wishing him a happy birthday. We've had numerous fundraisers to help him pay for his treatment and we're continuing to do so and hope very much that Hunter will be with us for prom and graduation. Our school is very tiny and we've all spent the last thirteen years growing up with Hunter. To see him dying, hurts us all. He is one of the most lively people I know and I won't say anything different about him. He's very smart and full of energy and always up to smurf kick you and always has a smile on his face (even now). He is just this source of hope for me. He says that he feels so lucky, because he'll lay in the hospital and hear other kids crying and screaming and he feels so lucky that the treatment doesn't affect him like that. I can only say that he is a true hero in my eyes.

I do believe in karma. I do believe in bad energy infecting who you are and for it to come back on you. The only way to cleanse yourself of it is to change your attitude. But I also know that bad things happen to good people and why do they? What's the point of my cousin passing away or Hunter getting cancer or my friend Dominic having a heart attack at 22 and dying? What was the point of that 15 year old five years ago getting in a car accident and passing away? What was the point of my own mother getting killed in a car accident? I've no idea. I cannot answer why good people like Hunter, Justin, Brittany, Dominic, my mother, Jesus Christ, or Moses must suffer. I can't answer why Heath Ledger or Bernie Mac or Cassie Bernall or Rachel Joy Scott died. I just know that bad things happen to teach us lessons. At the time, we're angry and we're confused and we believe everything is against us and the last thing you want to hear is, "God has his reasons." When I first found out my mother was dead and the person told me, "God wanted his angel," I felt so angry. Why would he want my mother? She was mine and I was only two. What kind of sick, perverse maniac would do that? God.

I know how it is to not believe in that, but I know that no matter how hard it is to believe, it is God's doing. There's a lesson to be taught with every hardship. I never knew people who were more thankful for life or more patient and loving than those that I've known that have passed away. They are good people. But God wanted them back. He taught them to love and to give and to cherish each day and he felt it was time to bring them home. He gave them an eternity of pleasure for a few months/years of suffering. In the end, karma won. Good was rewarded with good and that's all I can believe in.

1) What gift(s) would you like to give the world?

As for a material gift, I think I would give socks. I was downstairs and this commercial came on for Burlington Coat Factory about all their "neat gifts" and I was like, "Who the heck would wants clothes for Christmas?" Well, like my dad said, lots of people. And what's better than socks? Keeps your feet all nice and warm. I like that.

2) What is the most unusual gift you have received?

Hum. Well, for me, it was a set of hairbrushes from a friend's grandmother the Christmas after I was in foster care. I looked at the brushes and was like, "What the heck?" But I love the brushes now and still have them all and use them. It was a thoughtful gift, even though at the time I was less than enthusiastic for it.

3) What do you like best about gift giving?

The browsing. I love looking for a gift that I know my friend will be able to use or smile about. On a few occasions I've just remembered things people have said on passing and picked it up later. I gave a LOVE sign to my brother's foster mom and when she got it she went, "How could you even remember?" It seemed important to her.

4) What gifts do you want for the holidays?

This year I would like a keychain with a monkey on it, some chapstick (cherry... haha), and quite possibly some new barbells for my snakebites. If anyone is up for getting me a new car as well, I'm cool with that. My car broke down two weeks ago and my dad's pick up just broke down today and we're completely broke. It's quite the predicament.

5) When has a gift(s) made you feel warm and fuzzy inside?

I honestly don't know. I don't receive well and any gift I do get it seems like the people giving them to me don't know me that well. Even family. They'll get me sweaters and perfume. Although last year my friend's mom got me a set of guitar picks that I was particularly happy with. I do not believe I've ever had a warm or fuzzy feeling about a gift. It's quite sad.

I logged into my DeviantArt account yesterday and I saw that I had a one month subscription. At first I thought it was from the contest that I'd won for my Fearcus piece so I was upset that he'd only gotten me the month sub instead of the year one I was supposed to have. Upon checking my email I found out that the sub wasn't my prize, but it was a present from The Literati, a writing club I'm involved in. It was very kind of them to get me the subscription and I'm thankful for it. It's quite something learning CSS for my journal, though. I'm an HTML nut so you'd think CSS wouldn't be that hard, but, boy oh boy, I don't get it at all.

Right now I'm working on an article based in 2012 for a scholarship on Middle Eastern peace. It's... something. I've got a serious case of writer's block so it's difficult right now to do anything. I haven't had a block since I was fifteen and that lasted 6 months. I hope this doesn't last much longer. The Literati is holding a contest where the winner gets to be published. Published. I don't want to miss out on that chance, because of a stubborn block, but it's hard to cut through right now. I've spent my entire day on DeviantArt browsing through drawings, photographs, poetry, and prose trying to get some whiff of inspiration. There were two seconds where I was like, "Hmm... I should write this." and then it was gone. I did get an idea for a tattoo, though, haha. I'm going to be so inked when I'm older it's going to be nuts. Of course each piece will mean something, though. No silly things I'll regret. I've been planning and drawing my tattoos since I was fifteen years old and I don't plan on getting anything done until my twenties.

Also... my friend had me read a rant she posted on DeviantArt a few days ago and it had to do mainly with suicide. She was saying that those that committed suicide were extremely selfish, ignorant, and and a bit stupid because they were taking the easy way out. I didn't say anything to her at the time, but it did make me very angry to read that. My uncle shot himself a year before my brother was born and my dad still thinks about him. He was my dad's only little brother (there were twelve children in their family) and my dad's best friend growing up. My grandma kept two pictures of him (one above her bed and the other on her stand beside her chair) until the day that she died. My uncle is still a huge part of our lives, even though my brother and I have never met him.

My other uncle hung himself when I was seven years old. I had been close to my uncle and I didn't understand it at that time. It was hard to get it through my head that he was gone. The severity of the situation didn't reach me, because of how young I was at the time of his death. Now, though, I understand and I've seen the hardship of losing him work on my family. My aunt was an alcoholic and my cousin became an addict and is still suffering every day from his choices.

Now, I think about it. I've been suicidal since I was eight years old and I will guarantee that while I'm feeling absolutely amazing as I type this and haven't thought of suicide in months it will never go away. I will always be suicidal. There will always be a part in my brain waiting to trigger those feelings of hopelessness until I'm sitting on my bed plotting it out again, maybe with a razor in hand.

Suicide has greatly affected my life. It has had absolutely no impact on my friend's life and I think this is why she thinks the way she does. I know that it is not selfish and I know it's not the easy way out.  There is nothing harder than writing that last note to your family, letting them know what you're doing and why, and there is nothing harder than lining up the way you're going to die. For myself, I took pills with whiskey when I was fourteen and then at fifteen I cut a gash in my wrist that wouldn't stop bleeding. It wasn't a simple decision. I was depressed. Beyond depressed. I was sitting at the corner of Eternal Damnation Street and the Boulevard of Broken Dreams. To me, life was too hard. I was fifteen years old and I couldn't handle my life. Every day my aunt made it known to me that she didn't want me in her house, my uncle made it known that he would kick me out if I tried to have a sense of humor (not exaggerating), my dad called me selfish all the time and he said I never thought, any friend I'd had up to that point left me for one reason or another, and the personal demons were starting to reach the summit.

When you have things like that weighing down on your soul, every single day is a challenge. You wonder if people care and you wonder if you even would give a shit if they did show some ounce of kindness towards you. Life gets hard. For some it's one day of sadness and then you're all right. For others it's YEARS of loneliness and despair and just drifting from day to day as this hollow shell. You get tired of that. Some people solve that problem. They can't handle it anymore and they take their own life. I don't look on them. I would never in my life look down on someone who took their own life, because it does take a lot of courage to pull that trigger or leap off that chair or swallow that bottle of pills. It's not the easy way out. It can hurt so much.

For those of you who agree with my friend about the selfish and easy pathway so many suicides take, that is your opinion. I kindly suggest you keep that opinion to yourself, though. Especially in the presence of someone who has been to the ends of the earth or who has lost someone to suicide. Do not spout your ignorance to us that know it is much more than selfishness that takes a loved one away.

</rant>

People in general. When I first meet someone I trust them with my entire heart. It seems weird that someone who has been hurt as much as I have would still be trusting like a child, but I am. Upon meeting you are my best friend and I would tell you anything, give you anything, invite you places, let you stay the night at my house, rescue you, and die for you. I am so trusting it's almost ridiculous and I realize that it's a huge fault of mine. You should be a little wary of people, but I never seem to be.

Then when someone breaks that child like trust I've given them, it's over. That's it. It takes so long for someone to gain my trust back it's probably not even worth being friends anymore. I had a friend when I was fourteen who told my BEST friend that I didn't like him and that if I really treasured his friendship I should have written him a note. And when he told me that I was just so deeply hurt, because this girl was supposed to be like my sister. I haven't trusted her ever since then even though we do talk every day in school. Since that time I've only hung out with her twice and I really have no strong desire to be her best friend again. The sad thing is is that she had been my best friend for almost five years at that point. You'd think after five years you could trust someone, but time can only tell you you're wrong.

Despite that friend hurting me and others hurting me far worse (including a girl who actually managed to find the power to get me into the foster care system), I still trust people instantly. I doubt that I will ever harden against outsiders. I will always trust people right away, because that's who I am. You can't make friends if you've got this wall up all the time and I know that. I may be naive about trusting so many people and just setting myself up for disappointment, but every now and then I'll find myself a keeper. I have one friend that I would truly do anything for and I've known her for four years. She is an amazing girl and has never done anything to make me doubt my trust in her. Time can only tell if that will last, but she's the type of girl that I don't think will ever change. I see her once a year, twice if I'm extremely lucky, and I look forward to it all the time. My naive trust made it so that I have her as my friend and I'm very thankful.

I think Heaven is different for each person that goes there. Sure, you're all sharing it, but I think it appears differently to everyone based on what they love.

For me Heaven is being surrounded by friends and family that loved me during my time on earth and being in the one place that I loved more than anything. If you've seen Titanic, when Rose passed away she went back to the ship and was in a beautiful evening gown. At the top of the stairs she was greeted by Jack, the one person she loved more than anything.

If I die, I believe my Heaven will appear as a grungy coffee shop and I will be surrounded by those that meant something during that time. The music will be pulsing just like it did when I first when and I'll be able to feel the drum and bass lines going up my legs into my heart. The music will be all that's keeping me alive just like it is now. At my side will be my parents and siblings and cousins and aunts and uncles and my nieces and nephews. Beside them will be all of the friends who dared to make a difference to me in my lifetime. For all of those people, Heaven is, no doubt, different than what I see and they'll see it. They'll see rich farm fields or lively dance clubs or a quiet park by the river, but we'll all be in the same place. It'll appear different to me, but it will be the same.

This can only happen in Heaven, because it's magic. Heaven is about what makes people the happiest. For me it's friends and family and music and books. For someone else it could be something different entirely, but we'll be sharing the same space with no boundaries.

Yesterday I was reading a blog from my favorite band and they'd just had a contest for a fan to interview them about their song dealing with cancer. I didn't attempt the contest, because I knew I would be mush on the phone with them if I by some crazy chance won.

I didn't expect me to feel so amazed by the actual winner of the contest, though. The girl that won had been bullied in school for a long time and then when she was finally getting over it she found out her dad had inoperable stomach cancer. One step forward, two steps back. Her dad coached her through her troubles at school and they started listening to music together. They just so happened to run across Simple Plan and the girl heard Save You (the song about Pierre's brother having cancer) and she was so moved by it. Her and her dad talked about the guys all the time and what a wonderful group they were and just how powerful this song really was. Then the contest rolled around and the girl signed up for it and she actually won. Bad thing was that the phone call was supposed to be at 3 PM and she was going to be in school so she thought she missed her chance, but then she got a call later telling her that Simple Plan couldn't make the conference call but they were more than happy to invite her and her family to their show that Saturday to meet and talk. All of the guys (bar David) sat down and had a lovely chat about the song and the girl's family and then after the show the girl got to meet David and he explained his sister was really sick and he would be flying out that night to go see her, but that he was so excited to meet her. A week after this her dad passed away.

What I've said doesn't really seem to mean much, but the way she wrote her story on the MTV blog (which is also reposted on SP's MySpace) it was just beautiful. By the end of the story I was crying my eyes out. To make matters worse Every Saturday by Seventh Day Slumber had come on my MP3 player (I relate the song to my cousin who recently passed away from cancer) so I was just bawling. Then I felt bad for David and his sister so I cried a little bit more. It was a very emotional blog and usually I'm not that emotional, but it really did affect me.

I'm very glad the girl won and got to share her story and got to meet the guys rather than just have a chat on the phone. She was very lucky and she was so fortunate to be able to share the experience with her dad before he passed away.

So I missed this last one, but I'm going to do it now before Friday rolls around again haha.

1) Where have you traveled most recently?
The last place I went that I consider traveling was Deadwood, which is about five and a half hours from where I live. It was quite the ride since I can't sleep in cars and my friend's mom and step dad were the drivers haha.

2) What city/ country have you always wanted to go? Is there a place that draws you?
England. Ever since I was little I loved English accents and I just thought it was the greatest place in the world. When Harry Potter came out I couldn't wait to go there. Now I'm learning a bit more about it and I love the culture and the music is so brilliant. I would also love to visit Romania, though. Bucharest is calling out to me more and more these days.

3) Which place(s) have you found particularly magical or beautiful?
In all honesty, I've been to very few places away from home. My dad used to be a traveler, but settled down when he got saddled with me and my brother after my mom passed away. Before my brother went to kindergarten we traveled a bit, but I was so young I can't remember. I know in pictures I can say Ireland, Venezuela, Argentina, Hawaii, Romania, and Australia are really beautiful. Maybe one day I'll get to justify that.

4) If you could travel anywhere this holiday season, where would you go?
I must say I'd love to go somewhere warm. My dad used to live in Dallas and he said he called Grandma one time in January to ask her what she was doing and she said, "Staying inside, it's about four below out." My dad was mowing his lawn. IN JANUARY! That's crazy talk out here and I think I'd like to go some place where I could mow the lawn next month haha. California, Florida, Texas, Louisiana...

and…
5) Who would you bring with you?
My dad & my brother (because I know they both wouldn't let me live it down if I left them home all alone) and Keely and Brittany (just because I'd be lost without my partners in crime).

I went shopping the other day to finish the Christmas list. I got my friend's step-dad a 12 pack of Diet Coke, got my friend two bags of sour gummy worms, got another friend the new Fall Out Boy CD, and then picked up Christmas cards for my cousin and my aunt.

So I got home and I was filling out the Christmas cards and I was going to mention something to my cousin Sam about my cousin's wife Benita and that's when it hit me--I forgot to get Jason and Benita a Christmas card. I only talk to Benita about three times a year so I couldn't believe I'd forgotten the card.

The next day I was in town for class and had to run to the post office to drop off a package to send to my friend in Tennessee. I was trying to get a hold of my brother to tell him to pick up a religious type Christmas card for Benita and Jason, but he wouldn't pick up for the world. So I walked into the post office and gave the lady the money to send the package and she tilts her head to the side and smiles. "Would you like a Christmas card? I'm giving them away."

My shoulders fell down and I smiled, thoroughly awed and exasperated at the same time. "Yes, actually, thank you."

I picked out a simple one with three polar bears on it and decided it was better than nothing. I called my dad on my home and asked him if he knew the post office was giving away Christmas cards and he said he'd never heard of them doing that before. So when I hung up the phone I turned the radio on (KLOV 91.9 FM) and Hope Now by Addison Road came on. The song had been on that morning when I thought I was going to be late for school and as soon as I heard the song I knew I was going to be on time (I was five minutes early). When I heard the song on my way home I knew that everything was all right. I had my Christmas card, Kristin's gift would get to her before it expired (silly me gave her a pie haha), and everything would just work.

That night my brother told me he was buying me a new bass for Christmas and it would be here on the 29th. He ordered me a metallic red Dean Active Edge and it's incredibly beautiful. Don't get me wrong, I love the guitar I have now, but it twangs like a country singer (and it really shouldn't).

It's really silly to relate the Addison Road song to getting to school on time, acquiring the Christmas card, having JUST ENOUGH change to pay for my package for Kristin, and my brother buying me a guitar but I do. Every day I turn on KLOV and hope and hope for Addison Road or Sanctus Real and they never come on and if they do it's never twice in one day. Maybe it's not the song, but it makes me feel a little better and lets me rest assured. It makes me a little more positive, which is what I'm always going for.

1) What new experience(s) did you have in 2008?
The most important experience I believe I had was in February. I was at a gig and one of my friends, who is underage, showed up to the place completely drunk. The group of people that I was with were so embarrassed by her and one even pushed her away from them. I put her arm around my shoulders and helped her around the place, even in the bathroom. I believe it was an important lesson to learn for me--acceptance. I'm straight edge and normally wouldn't even want to be seen with someone drunk, but I put that in the backseat to help my friend out when no one else would. While she brought it upon herself someone still needed to make sure she didn't break her face falling or getting carried away by some random guy.

Also in March I had the most wonderful experience. I was at a show with a few friends at Dakota State University and it was probably the best thing in the world. I was totally and completely content with everything around me. The entire night I was telling my friends how much I loved them and how great the night was and how we should do it again. I just outright told them it was the best night of my entire life. I don't know what triggered the feeling of contentment, but whatever it was it stayed with me the entire rest of the weekend.


     2) What inspired you in 2008?
I would have to say the biggest inspirations this year have been Sarah Palin, Selena Gomez, Nick Jonas, and the boys of McFLY.

Sarah Palin broke onto the scene and it was just chaos, but she kept at it. She got a lot of those airhead remarks, but she perservered. When people said there was turmoil in the McCain Campaign she kept a smile on her face and her shoulders up. When news of her daughter's pregnancy broke she didn't even faulter. I think she would have made a remarkable Vice President and a wonderful President if McCain did pass away during office. The way she ran her own state and the way she conducted herself when under pressure always made me nod my head.

Selena Gomez and Nick Jonas kind of fall into the same boat. They're Disney stars, one obviously an actress and the other being a musician. A few other of the network's stars have been making some not-so-good headlines, but they seem to keep their toes behind the line and keep working at what they think is best. The message of them just being kids helps, too. The vlogs Selena does on YouTube with Demi Lovato and the fun interviews she does keeps her as just another sixteen year old girl in the eyes of the public and I love that. She isn't too serious and she's entirely wholesome with a good outlook on life and what she wants to do in the future. Nick Jonas is primarily the same way--keeping a good attitude, letting people know that he is just sixteen years old, and just going with whatever life tosses at him. The fact that they both aren't afraid to say that they're religious and waiting until marriage doesn't hurt either, because that shows that they want to be good role models for kids their age and younger.

And if it weren't for the boys of McFLY I don't exactly know how much I would have gotten done this year. I started running in January and started cycling in April with them in mind the entire time. Tom and Harry of the group have just been remarkable role models when it comes to fitness and when I biked the five miles to my friend's house they kept crossing my mind. If Harry could run a 26 mile marathon, why couldn't I bike five miles? If Tom could lose however much weight, why couldn't I finish this little ride? Tom also wrote three short stories for a children's book this year which inspired me to keep working on my writing that I had been letting go tremendously, including my own children's story about a field mouse named Shakespeare. Then the boys' new album came out which came with a DVD and I was tossed into a whole other wave of inspiration. I've been playing my bass every day now and trying to work on my vocals, trying to get them out of the range I'd placed them in when I was using Simple Plan to work with. They've also done several charities, which have made me get more involved in the Diabetes Awareness Troupe and think about what I really want Stay Together For The Kids to do.
 
     3) What challenged you this year? 

   What hasn't challenged me this year? I lost a friend in March from a drunk driving accident, my cousin passed away in August from his battle with cancer, my dad quit getting as many hours at work so we've had to go without food and heat for some short periods of time until he can get in the work, my brother's been in jail for stealing from some close friends of ours and I've had to deal with the shame that backlashed from that, college applications, scholarship applications, my declining physics grade, my art teacher's vendetta against me, and, most recently, the toss up of if I really want to be a writer or if I should get my head out of the clouds and think of a real job. Friends have also gotten in the way. One wouldn't get a job so I had to be behind her and encourage her to get it and stick with it, one keeps putting me down on anything I tell her, another won't listen to anything I've got to say, and another thinks I'm the most fascinating thing since sliced bread and has way too high of expectations for me. It's quite odd to go through so much in the span of a year, but I keep going. I keep praying, keep writing, keep trying to be the change I want to see, and just keep on truckin'.

     4) What new person or people entered your life?

  The one person I met this year is Mr. George Nielson, my social psychology professor at Dakota Wesleyan. He has been a wonderful teacher, challenging me on all aspects of life. His main thought is that we need to think freely. We need to abandon life's expectations and just go for it--do what you want and say what you want. He wants us to let go of inhibitions and think outside the box. Swearing doesn't mean anything, sex is going to happen so you might as well talk about it, and sometimes religion doesn't make sense so you should talk against it. I'd never met anyone quite like him before and he's definitely something else. I am extremely glad I landed in his class and not someone else who would have taught me what a book said and not what they themself were thinking. Sure Freud has some points and Aronson wrote a wonderful book, but I think George Nielson could battle them when it came to freedom of thought.

     5) Which global event(s) had a strong impact on you?

This year it was mainly the things going on in Tibet and the relationship of China and the rest of the world and Darfur. I was focused on the human rights aspect of those countries and I've primarily been trying to figure something out to speak out. I wrote a scholarship essay for the Middle East a few weeks ago and was saying something about organizing a concert like Live Aid or Live 8 or Rock For Darfur, but making it more diverse and more like the Lifelight Festival I went to in Sioux Falls this past August. It would take a lot of thinking, a lot of effort, a lot of people, and a whole lot of money, but I've been thinking.

Then, of course, the election had a strong impact. I wasn't aware it was as globally important as it was until about September when the English started voicing their opinions about Obama. But there's a lot going on with that. The new president has to deal with the crumbling economy not only here in the US but in Japan, China, Australia, and England as well and they've got to do something about the Iraq War and terrorism in general and they've got to do something about national security, immigration, abortion--it's a big deal. I'm giving President Elect Obama a chance and I'll see if he really makes the change he's been preaching about, but I was a McCain supporter. I started out Obama, but then went Huckabee (and I still stand strong beside Governor Huckabee as he does his talk show now) and finally went to McCain when Huckabee dropped from the race. Ah well, there's always 2012. Mike Huckabee for President, boys and girls.

I want to say my biggest challenge of '08 was college. I want to say it was tough deciding which ones to apply for and how to go about it and struggling with the funds to pay for the applications and housing was difficult.

I want to say deciding my major is my biggest challenge as the year wraps up. I want to say that every day I wake up and look at my notebook and my guitar and I wonder if I'm really going to make it. I want to say that I've spent hours on the internet researching music and writing careers to find something I could nestle into.

It would be very near accurate to say the deaths of my cousin and friend were challenges I had to overcome. That every single day I think about them and feel like life is so unfair, that God was being unfair when He took them.

And while these things contribute to what my true challenge was, they aren't solely it. My biggest challenge that I have overcome this year is myself. Since January 1, 2008 it's been one thing after the other. Depression coming back, my friend passing away in a car accident, losing my best friend to her manipulative boyfriend, my puppy passing away after a week, my cousin passing away from his cancer, another of my friends turning away from me, feeling completely and utterly alone, dealing with my anger, trying to get college on the ball, and dealing with my senior year while trying to keep a smile on my face and happiness in my heart. Others deal with more and some deal with less and that always reminds me to try my hardest to be the best I can be.

I've been a negative person for much of 2008. I've dealt with feelings I haven't had since my sophomore year in high school and I've dealt with much more than that. It's been a difficult year introspectively. My mind keeps trying to attack, while my spirit is trying to work its way into some form of enlightenment. Even now as I type this I know I'm not "under control". I know that there's more inside that I can work on to make me a happier and a better person. I'm taking baby steps towards that. Things are starting to look up just a tiny bit now and I can feel that in my chest. A little bit of that anger I've been clinging to since August is finally starting to ebb away and some of that depression that's been trying to hunker down since May is on its way out.

2008 helped me realize that the friends I relied so heavily upon will not always be there for me and I must be the one to either sever ties or strive to strengthen them. I've realized that if I truly want something I need to go for it or it'll walk out of my life. I've realized that writing a book is so much more work than what I'd expected. I've learned that having an ear ache is more serious to my dad than a headache for a straight month. I've learned WebMD can become an addiction and make you paranoid. I've learned that mass amounts of Christian rock make me feel like I'm walking on clouds, even while I'm crying on my bedroom floor. I've learned that I have four and a half years to figure out what exactly it is to do with my life and there really isn't a rush. I've realized that I have been letting expectations from my teachers and peers control my senior year. And the most important thing I've realized is that a homemade card or a letter from a friend will make any bad day turn around. My brother saying good morning wipes away the bad dreams, my dad smiling at me at 5 after I tell him I'm having trouble breathing again makes the labor of taking a breath a little lighter, seeing a new writing piece or drawing piece in my inbox on Deviant Art makes my bad thoughts scamper away, and the prospect of going to a good university (I got accepted to Concordia in Portland this morning) and having a good future makes all the stress I've got resting on me seem a little easier to handle.

So maybe my dog died, my cousin will no longer tease me about the boy that works at the supermarket, my friend berates me constantly on my choices for the future, my best friend won't speak with me any longer because of her boyfriend, and every day seems like a struggle to look towards the light instead of the graying clouds next to it, but I know with a little work and a few thoughts back to the happiest moments I've had so far will make it seem easier. I know looking towards the future in my head (a comfortable apartment in the city with my friend as my roommate, a small dog running around yipping, loads of scented candles, a subscription to the magazine I will work at, and my novel sitting on my nightstand) can make my worries go away. I've got something to go for in the next few years and my family and my friends won't hold me back. I will have a mountain of debt and some issues to deal with, but I think it won't be so bad as I've been worrying over this last year.

2009 probably won't be so bad. I have senior prom, a few birthdays for friends and family, graduation, a trip to Tennessee to visit a friend, my 19th birthday, and my first semester of college coming up. There's so much good waiting in the next year that I can't help but not worry. What will I be like on the inside? Who knows? But I'm working on it. Maybe at the end of 2009 I can write and tell you all that I am depression free and am feeling the glow. We'll see.