What was the biggest adventure of your past year?

I want to say my biggest challenge of '08 was college. I want to say it was tough deciding which ones to apply for and how to go about it and struggling with the funds to pay for the applications and housing was difficult.

I want to say deciding my major is my biggest challenge as the year wraps up. I want to say that every day I wake up and look at my notebook and my guitar and I wonder if I'm really going to make it. I want to say that I've spent hours on the internet researching music and writing careers to find something I could nestle into.

It would be very near accurate to say the deaths of my cousin and friend were challenges I had to overcome. That every single day I think about them and feel like life is so unfair, that God was being unfair when He took them.

And while these things contribute to what my true challenge was, they aren't solely it. My biggest challenge that I have overcome this year is myself. Since January 1, 2008 it's been one thing after the other. Depression coming back, my friend passing away in a car accident, losing my best friend to her manipulative boyfriend, my puppy passing away after a week, my cousin passing away from his cancer, another of my friends turning away from me, feeling completely and utterly alone, dealing with my anger, trying to get college on the ball, and dealing with my senior year while trying to keep a smile on my face and happiness in my heart. Others deal with more and some deal with less and that always reminds me to try my hardest to be the best I can be.

I've been a negative person for much of 2008. I've dealt with feelings I haven't had since my sophomore year in high school and I've dealt with much more than that. It's been a difficult year introspectively. My mind keeps trying to attack, while my spirit is trying to work its way into some form of enlightenment. Even now as I type this I know I'm not "under control". I know that there's more inside that I can work on to make me a happier and a better person. I'm taking baby steps towards that. Things are starting to look up just a tiny bit now and I can feel that in my chest. A little bit of that anger I've been clinging to since August is finally starting to ebb away and some of that depression that's been trying to hunker down since May is on its way out.

2008 helped me realize that the friends I relied so heavily upon will not always be there for me and I must be the one to either sever ties or strive to strengthen them. I've realized that if I truly want something I need to go for it or it'll walk out of my life. I've realized that writing a book is so much more work than what I'd expected. I've learned that having an ear ache is more serious to my dad than a headache for a straight month. I've learned WebMD can become an addiction and make you paranoid. I've learned that mass amounts of Christian rock make me feel like I'm walking on clouds, even while I'm crying on my bedroom floor. I've learned that I have four and a half years to figure out what exactly it is to do with my life and there really isn't a rush. I've realized that I have been letting expectations from my teachers and peers control my senior year. And the most important thing I've realized is that a homemade card or a letter from a friend will make any bad day turn around. My brother saying good morning wipes away the bad dreams, my dad smiling at me at 5 after I tell him I'm having trouble breathing again makes the labor of taking a breath a little lighter, seeing a new writing piece or drawing piece in my inbox on Deviant Art makes my bad thoughts scamper away, and the prospect of going to a good university (I got accepted to Concordia in Portland this morning) and having a good future makes all the stress I've got resting on me seem a little easier to handle.

So maybe my dog died, my cousin will no longer tease me about the boy that works at the supermarket, my friend berates me constantly on my choices for the future, my best friend won't speak with me any longer because of her boyfriend, and every day seems like a struggle to look towards the light instead of the graying clouds next to it, but I know with a little work and a few thoughts back to the happiest moments I've had so far will make it seem easier. I know looking towards the future in my head (a comfortable apartment in the city with my friend as my roommate, a small dog running around yipping, loads of scented candles, a subscription to the magazine I will work at, and my novel sitting on my nightstand) can make my worries go away. I've got something to go for in the next few years and my family and my friends won't hold me back. I will have a mountain of debt and some issues to deal with, but I think it won't be so bad as I've been worrying over this last year.

2009 probably won't be so bad. I have senior prom, a few birthdays for friends and family, graduation, a trip to Tennessee to visit a friend, my 19th birthday, and my first semester of college coming up. There's so much good waiting in the next year that I can't help but not worry. What will I be like on the inside? Who knows? But I'm working on it. Maybe at the end of 2009 I can write and tell you all that I am depression free and am feeling the glow. We'll see.