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September 2009 
What are you experiencing right now?
Posted on Mar 29th, 2009
by 
DudeRun
DudeRun
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for March 26, 2009:
Jealousy.
Silly teenage drivel. I've been jealous before. Of friends, family members, boys, whatever. It wasn't like this, though. It's over a boy, which is just so silly of me, but I can't help it. I've never been jealous like this.
Freshman year, age 15, was the first time I was in love. The guy was great. Funny, attractive, very smart, he liked to talk about books and drawings and tattoos and music. He was one of the sweetest and nicest people I've met to this day and I still break out in giggles and smiles when I think about him or when I see him. Him being a genuinely great guy has never gone away from my thought process, because he's still my friend. At the time I was falling for him he had a girlfriend. Sure, I was jealous, but I tried to be friends with his girlfriend. I talked to her and went out of my way to be kind. There were times, of course, when being a teenager wholly took over and I made some situations worse than they should have been. I think back on that now and I cringe. No wonder she rejected my advances at being friends. But I wasn't even jealous of her as much as I am of this new girl with this new boy.
I've been friends with Austin since I was six years old. Almost 13 years. In eighth grade we got pretty close after a disasterous situation with my family life. He was one of the only people to treat me like I didn't have a disease and he was there for me. I left that year and came back sophomore year and was welcomed with open arms by him and a few of the other guys. I'm just now getting into good graces with the girls (this is two years after I've returned to my hometown). He even told me that I was one of his best friends and that he cared about me a lot. The next day he followed this up by pushing me into a wall. I love boys and their insecurities. I've been pushed into so many lockers, walls, and people that I've lost count. In almost 13 years, I have never liked him as anything other than a friend. He's always been just there. Someone to fall back on and complain to when people were being stupid.
Last year on the night of prom, we were walking in the hall together and he was teasing me about something or other. We were laughing and having a good time, he even pushed me into a wall. It was just like any other time and any other day. Except as soon as he pushed me when we walked back into the gym, something changed. It was small, but it felt huge. I was laughing after I regained my footing and looked over at him. He was more than just Austin at that moment.
I've liked him for an entire year. I haven't had any problems with the feelings. I keep them to myself. There's no need to air them when I'm moving to Oregon this fall. It would only complicate things. But in January it came out that this girl who used to go to school with us still has feelings for him. This girl is beyond gorgeous and she's thin and she's funny and confident and could care less what people think. I didn't do anything at first. I even encouraged him to talk to her. Then a friend of this girl's asked him to prom for her. I was bitter, to say the least, especially since he was asked to prom by this girl on the same day I was going to ask him to prom. Talk about bad timing.
Then the girl came back for a visit. Suddenly, I didn't exist. Austin looked right through me for the whole day. Even in art, where he sit next to each other, I wasn't there. I wasn't his friend. There were no laughs or jokes or smiles. There was no playful teasing like usual. I was stonewalled. So I left to go sit by Alex on the opposite side of the room. Alex and I were shortly joined by Jake, who I have rattled on about before, because he's just the bestest friend ever.
Austin and I didn't talk for a week after this. I didn't think it had bothered him (actually didn't even think he'd noticed), but on the day we started to talk again I asked him for gum.
Austin: Do you have conversation?
Me: If you have gum.
Austin: *takes gum out* You have to talk to me, then.
Well, last night was prom. I went with some random kid I'd never met. I didn't even see him after grand march. Austin went with this other girl. She was by him the whole night. And he kept as far away from me as humanly possible. If he could have danced on the other side of town he probably would have, but the gym is only so big. I went to sit beside him and his date at the end of the dance and as soon as I sat down and said hello to the girl, he grabbed her hand and left. I stared at the wall for the next ten minutes, absolutely seething. I was joined by my friends Tyler and Jake and their girlfriends. I was the only solo person there. I'd never felt more alone. I continued to stare at the wall until the song ended and the DJ said it was time to go.
High school, right? Only 46 more days to go and then I don't have to worry about being invisible to him as long as she's around. It won't ever matter again. But that's 46 days I have to finally grow a backbone and tell him that he's got to quit treating me like something he can toss away when she's around. I'm supposed to be his friend. I don't like this whole 'being ignored' thing. Especially by a friend. If we're friends, we're friends ALL the time, not just when certain people aren't around. That's so uncool.
Silly teenage drivel. I've been jealous before. Of friends, family members, boys, whatever. It wasn't like this, though. It's over a boy, which is just so silly of me, but I can't help it. I've never been jealous like this.
Freshman year, age 15, was the first time I was in love. The guy was great. Funny, attractive, very smart, he liked to talk about books and drawings and tattoos and music. He was one of the sweetest and nicest people I've met to this day and I still break out in giggles and smiles when I think about him or when I see him. Him being a genuinely great guy has never gone away from my thought process, because he's still my friend. At the time I was falling for him he had a girlfriend. Sure, I was jealous, but I tried to be friends with his girlfriend. I talked to her and went out of my way to be kind. There were times, of course, when being a teenager wholly took over and I made some situations worse than they should have been. I think back on that now and I cringe. No wonder she rejected my advances at being friends. But I wasn't even jealous of her as much as I am of this new girl with this new boy.
I've been friends with Austin since I was six years old. Almost 13 years. In eighth grade we got pretty close after a disasterous situation with my family life. He was one of the only people to treat me like I didn't have a disease and he was there for me. I left that year and came back sophomore year and was welcomed with open arms by him and a few of the other guys. I'm just now getting into good graces with the girls (this is two years after I've returned to my hometown). He even told me that I was one of his best friends and that he cared about me a lot. The next day he followed this up by pushing me into a wall. I love boys and their insecurities. I've been pushed into so many lockers, walls, and people that I've lost count. In almost 13 years, I have never liked him as anything other than a friend. He's always been just there. Someone to fall back on and complain to when people were being stupid.
Last year on the night of prom, we were walking in the hall together and he was teasing me about something or other. We were laughing and having a good time, he even pushed me into a wall. It was just like any other time and any other day. Except as soon as he pushed me when we walked back into the gym, something changed. It was small, but it felt huge. I was laughing after I regained my footing and looked over at him. He was more than just Austin at that moment.
I've liked him for an entire year. I haven't had any problems with the feelings. I keep them to myself. There's no need to air them when I'm moving to Oregon this fall. It would only complicate things. But in January it came out that this girl who used to go to school with us still has feelings for him. This girl is beyond gorgeous and she's thin and she's funny and confident and could care less what people think. I didn't do anything at first. I even encouraged him to talk to her. Then a friend of this girl's asked him to prom for her. I was bitter, to say the least, especially since he was asked to prom by this girl on the same day I was going to ask him to prom. Talk about bad timing.
Then the girl came back for a visit. Suddenly, I didn't exist. Austin looked right through me for the whole day. Even in art, where he sit next to each other, I wasn't there. I wasn't his friend. There were no laughs or jokes or smiles. There was no playful teasing like usual. I was stonewalled. So I left to go sit by Alex on the opposite side of the room. Alex and I were shortly joined by Jake, who I have rattled on about before, because he's just the bestest friend ever.
Austin and I didn't talk for a week after this. I didn't think it had bothered him (actually didn't even think he'd noticed), but on the day we started to talk again I asked him for gum.
Austin: Do you have conversation?
Me: If you have gum.
Austin: *takes gum out* You have to talk to me, then.
Well, last night was prom. I went with some random kid I'd never met. I didn't even see him after grand march. Austin went with this other girl. She was by him the whole night. And he kept as far away from me as humanly possible. If he could have danced on the other side of town he probably would have, but the gym is only so big. I went to sit beside him and his date at the end of the dance and as soon as I sat down and said hello to the girl, he grabbed her hand and left. I stared at the wall for the next ten minutes, absolutely seething. I was joined by my friends Tyler and Jake and their girlfriends. I was the only solo person there. I'd never felt more alone. I continued to stare at the wall until the song ended and the DJ said it was time to go.
High school, right? Only 46 more days to go and then I don't have to worry about being invisible to him as long as she's around. It won't ever matter again. But that's 46 days I have to finally grow a backbone and tell him that he's got to quit treating me like something he can toss away when she's around. I'm supposed to be his friend. I don't like this whole 'being ignored' thing. Especially by a friend. If we're friends, we're friends ALL the time, not just when certain people aren't around. That's so uncool.
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