Which direction to go in?

When I graduated from high school in May I had it all figured out. I was going to go to college 1200 miles away from home, escape the drama and everyday drivel that surrounded my hometown, and become a completely amazing person. I would get a Bachelor's Degree for humanities and then become some amazing literary prodigy (wishful thinking on my behalf as my thoughts have never come together enough to be considered anything more than 'hopeful author'). I would pick up the bass again, find a great band, and be on the cover of all the coolest music magazines. I would do promote my album in between promoting my books.

Every now and then I'd stop in to my beloved hometown and show off the fancy new clothes and my expensive designer glasses. My haircut would be awesome and professionally styled every single day. I would also have a wonderfully delicious looking boyfriend and a ballerina's sparrow-like body frame.

Yep, I had big dreams in May. It's amazing that it all shattered on the day of graduation. It's amazing that one night of throwing away what I had struggled to build in high school would change me so much. After being pathetically sad on grad day about having to move, I'm not. I'm staying put after being denied a loan, because my dad got a little too charge-happy with a credit card that was in my name. After being so iffy about going to school so soon after escaping high school, I no longer have to worry about that.

But now the old worries of people thinking I'm a loser and won't amount to anything are rushing back. My classmates are all going off to higher education (there are four of us not persuing higher education this fall) and I'm stuck at home with my father who doesn't even like me out with my friends after midnight. I can't even get a job, because, Heaven forbid, I'll take off to some foreign place like Philadelphia for a month.

I have an entire year ahead of me and even longer if the feeling in my heart is correct. What I feel is that I won't go to school until I'm twenty one and what will I do within the next three years? Well, there's always traveling and working, of course. I want to get around the US a bit and explore. I want to finish at least one rough draft of a book. I want to find a band. I want to basically do everything I had planned except get a bachelor's degree.

Except I'm afraid. Maybe I should stay home. Be good, stay inside. Maybe one day my so-called friends in my class will actually call me and we'll go out like we'd planned on graduation night while I was slowly pushing myself into oblivion with some illegally acquired drink. Maybe the boy that called himself my best friend will suddenly pick up the phone and realize he doesn't feel as awkward around me as he thought he did after I kissed him and proclaimed my affection. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Or maybe I can grow up and grow a pair and move out of my daddy's house and do what I want in life.

But now that I feel like life has beaten me into the ground by saying no, no, no one too many times this summer, I don't know if I can. Oh woe is me. I have the ability to raise money to do what I want and I don't know if I should use that. What a terrible pickle I'm in.

But how many times do you have to be called stupid, selfish, and worthless to actually become it? How many times do you have to have people telling you the sky's the limit only for them to hold you back before you quit trying? How many times do you have to struggle to do some decent only to have it blow up in your face? And just how many friends do you need to quit calling, quit Facebooking, quit MySpazzing, and quit waving in Wal Mart before you finally get that you're alone?

Well, I'm not sure. I haven't been known to take a hit lying down since sophomore year. I'm a pretty tough bird.

It's just that I don't know if it'd be right for me to stay home to take care of my friend (who is six months pregnant with her first child), help assorted high school friends with homework, and help support my dad and worthless brother with rent with my own measly excuse for a job. OR I could work my ass off for the next few months, pack up my stuff, and actually move to Philadelphia or Portland like I want to and try city life for a bit and maybe put my dreams and ambitions to good use. But I never know if doing what I want is the right thing or just being selfish. Every time I want to do something for me, even staying home on Saturday night, I'm branded selfish and lazy. If I do things for other people then I'm a saint. Why give up sainthood if the alternative is being stoned?

Pff. Lame life.